If the Shoe Fits. . .Then Stick It Up Your Ass, B. Hussein Obama

•May 16, 2008 • 1 Comment

The Democrats have their didies in a twist and are throwing their creamed peas all over Momma’s clean floor because Bush had the temerity, the audacity, to say this to the legislature of the most beleaguered, endangered democracy in the world:

There are good and decent people who cannot fathom the darkness in these men [i.e., radical Muslim leaders and nations] and try to explain away their words. It’s natural, but it is deadly wrong. As witnesses to evil in the past, we carry a solemn responsibility to take these words seriously. Jews and Americans have seen the consequences of disregarding the words of leaders who espouse hatred. And that is a mistake the world must not repeat in the 21st century.

Some seem to believe that we should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along. We have heard this foolish delusion before. As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator declared: “Lord, if I could only have talked to Hitler, all this might have been avoided.” We have an obligation to call this what it is–the false comfort of appeasement, which has been repeatedly discredited by history.

Some people suggest if the United States would just break ties with Israel, all our problems in the Middle East would go away. This is a tired argument that buys into the propaganda of the enemies of peace, and America utterly rejects it.

Elder statesman Joe Biden called these remarks “bullshit.”  How so, Mr. Biden?  William Edgar Borah actually did say that when Hitler invaded Poland, and he was a damn fool for saying it.  History has proven that dialogue with madmen is, at best, a waste of time and energy, and at worst, an invitation to attack.  So why are Bush’s comments “bullshit?”  I suspect the bullshit will actually be contained in the oh-so-eloquent, utterly meaningless speech/comment Obama is rumored to be working up in rebuttal to Bush’s speech.   Sorry, Obama.  Tongue baths are for cats (and brainless liberals who think with their feelings, of course). 

Now, I know I’m just a dumb conservative Christian from Arkansas, but how was Bush’s speech an attack on B. Hussein Obama or the Democratic Party—unless, of course, they really believe in what Bush was condemning?  Bush was describing a dangerously naive attitude towards Islamic terrorism that is shared by most of the West, including at least half of the political leaders in the United States.  Bush was articulating a foreign policy position that rejects the notion that bloodthirsty maniacs can be reasoned with, or should be treated as reasonable actors who merely disagree with us on an issue that requires negotiation.  And Bush was addressing Israel, the country that understands far better than any other democracy the deadly threat posed by Iran and other Islamic kookocracies. 

If someone at work, at church, wherever, made strong statements condemning promiscuous behavior, I can’t imagine being offended and defensive unless I were a whore, in which case I’m sure I’d be flustered and pissy and dismayed that someone was calling me out on my behavior.  If the Democrats are not, in fact, appeasing whores just waiting for the chance to kiss some Islamist ass, then why are they so tied up in knots over Bush’s speech? 

Rhetorical questions, I admit it.  The reason they’re all pitching their little bitch fit is absolutely because Bush’s comments–although not aimed at them–exposed their views as cowardly and, in light of history, inexcusably naive.  Somebody call the waaaaaaahmbulance.

Another thing: how unfathomably narcissistic can the Democrats be?  Did it ever occur to them that maybe, just maybe, the entire world does not revolve around the ascension of their false messiah, Mr. B. Hussein Obama?  Did they ever stop to think that perhaps Bush’s comments were about Israel, a nation fighting constantly just to survive; a general principle that has been proven correct over and over again in history, and many times in the past century alone; or a foreign policy position that Bush believes strongly in and was advocating as the President?  Bush’s comments were perfectly relevant in any speech concerning terrorism, in any location he might’ve made the comments, and for any audience he might be trying to reach.  Especially considering the fact that Iran’s “president” Ahmadinejad threatens to destroy Israel every time a microphone is put in his face. 

Could we be any more September 10th? 

Oh, and also: Obama, Biden & Co. didn’t seem to have much of a problem with Bill Clinton bashing Bush in public speeches, or Jimmy Carter cozying up to Hamas in “diplomatic peace talks” (which, proving Bush’s point precisely, went nowhere).  Clearly, the Democrats think Americans are too stupid to notice the glaring realities I just pointed out in this post.  I guess we’ll find out in November if they’re right.

AND, one more thing: even if Bush was criticizing the American Democratic Party, what of it?  Since when is it unacceptable to candidly, aggressively attack the ideology and policy positions of one’s political opponents? 


Ah, Yes. What Every Classy Lady Looks For.

•May 16, 2008 • 6 Comments

Oh, when I dream of meeting my Prince Charming, I feel certain that he will have invested in this enticing accessory:

That’s right: “Truck Nutz.”  I saw a truck adorned with this mighty symbol of virility, this sure-fire sign of manliness, whilst on my way to work this morning.  Needless to say, I swooned immediately, and almost perished in traffic.  Too much sexiness.

In all seriousness, guys, your balls are the LEAST attractive thing about you.  I don’t even want to look at the nads of my boyfriends Johnny Depp, Russell Crowe, or Mark Wahlberg.  In fact, if my beloved River were still alive, I would not even want to look at his.  So I most definitely do not want to be mind-raped by the unwelcome image of some sweaty redneck’s knackers. 


•May 12, 2008 • Leave a Comment

The warning before Sweeney Todd (I just got the DVD) says “Warning: Graphic Bloody Violence.” 

I’d say!

I don’t think I’ve ever seen that particular warning before. . .

Never Forget

•May 10, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Kevin Cosgove, dying.

When You Want Your Child To Be the Hottest Ho Working the Corner. . .

•May 9, 2008 • 3 Comments

This is the latest inspiring idea from that talentless, vapid, genetic freak known as Beyonce.  Because really, we don’t sexualize children NEARLY enough.  They might as well have photographed these kids sucking on bananas or licking cherries, and email it directly to every known pedophile in the country.  Because this shit is going straight into every one of their spank banks. 

I was never pathetic enough to listen to Beyonce Knowles’ “music,” but now she is far worse than a boring, unjustifiably rich, cookie-cutter pop slut.  Now she’s an eager exploiter of children.  Well, whatever it takes to get that cash, right?

Since I’ve Got Stephen King On the Brain. . .

•May 9, 2008 • Leave a Comment

. . . and I’m watching Cujo in the Free Movies section of Comcast On Demand (major score), some Stephen King favorites of mine.  He has wounded the Queen but she still loves him.

These are all in descending order, although in some cases it is near-impossible for me to rank SK’s work:

Best Movies:             Stand By Me, Silver Bullet, Carrie, The Shawshank Redemption, Dolores Claiborne, Misery, The Mist

WORST movies:     The Shining (a disgraceful abomination–I spit on Kubrick), It

Character:  Jack Sawyer (The Talisman, Black House) and Wolf (The Talisman), tying for #1 without a doubt.  After that, there’s Roland Deschain (The Dark Tower series), Father Donald Callahan (‘Salem’s Lot, Dark Tower), Ben Hanscomb (It), John Smith (The Dead Zone), Larry Underwood (The Stand), Arnie Cunningham (Christine), Susan Delgado (Dark Tower), Dinky Earnshaw (Everything’s Eventual, Dark Tower), Charlie McGee (Firestarter), Davey “Lardass” Hogan (The Body)

Phrase:    crazy as a shithouse rat, thankya big-big, O Discordia!

Short Story/Novella:  Apt Pupil, Springheel Jack, The Long Walk, Rage, Everything’s Eventual

Most Heartbreaking Moment:  It’s a three-way tie between the death of Wolf (The Talisman), the death of Oy (Dark Tower), and the wrenching montage of false memories King uses to tell us of Gage Creed’s death (Pet Sematary)

Scariest book:  The Shining, ‘Salem’s Lot

Best Book:    Bitch, please.  Like I can pick.  


Oh, Stephen. You Hurt My Heart.

•May 7, 2008 • 1 Comment

Stephen King and his wife Tabitha recently spoke in front of some high school kids at the Library of Congress, and ole Steve really stepped in some doo doo.  In an attempt to emphasize the importance of reading skills and education, he said:

“I don’t want to sound like an ad, a public service ad on TV, but the fact is if you can read, you can walk into a job later on. If you don’t, then you’ve got, the Army, Iraq, I don’t know, something like that. It’s, it’s not as bright. So, that’s my little commercial for that.”

Let me say at the get-go that I actually saw the speech/discussion that started this whole kerfuffle: it was on C-Span or some public channel this weekend, and I watched while I worked on a hideously boring pleading.  I heard Steve utter the controversial comment, and it actually did hurt me.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am a proud, lifelong fan of Stephen King and a fierce defender of his work.  My mom never approved of “those horror books,” so since the age of oh, 9, I surreptitiously bought his books and just devoured them.  It was the beginning of my kinky love affair with all things dark and wild, all things mysterious or inexplicable.  I had an advanced vocabulary and understanding of syntax for my age, and Stephen King was 100% responsible for that.  More importantly (to me, at least), his books fed my imagination and inspired me  (if you notice, almost all of King’s stories celebrate courage, loyalty, and triumph over the nastiest things imaginable).  Oh, I could go on and on: suffice it to say that I have always loved, loved, loved Stephen King, and have always considered him one of the finest writers I’ve ever read.  I’m currently in the process of re-re-re-reading his Dark Tower series, which I think he would be gratified to hear is his best work to date.  I fancifully consider myself the “Dear Reader” he addresses in the forewords to his books.  Etc., etc.

So when I heard him casually imply that the military is the refuge of illiterate, dropout losers, it really, really sucked and made me feel feelings I never wanted to feel.    Not right!

I’m not in the military, but my brother and cousin are, and a number of other members of my family have proudly served (and each of them has a genius IQ).  So on a personal level, what he said was like a slap in the face.  As we say down here in Arkansas, it hurt my heart.

On an objective level, I was disappointed in Mr. King’s remarks because I expect more out of him.  He is more intelligent than I will ever be in my wildest dreams, and from everything I have read or seen, he is a thoughtful, fair, and compassionate person.  So, I would’ve expected him to do his research before insulting disciplined and courageous people. 

Mr. King is wrong on the facts: all but the tiniest fraction of our enlisted servicemen and -women hold high school diplomas, and one is required to earn at least a college degree before becoming an officer.  And with regard to that miniscule percentage of enlisted soldiers who do not have high school diplomas: would they be better off working a fry machine at McDonald’s?  Perhaps–just perhaps–those people joined the armed forces because they are patriots and believe that serving in the military is a noble undertaking, or at the very least recognized that service in the military would catapult them out of the “unhireable” category of job applicants.  At any rate, I am extremely disappointed that Stephen King took the lazy, John Kerryesque route and assumed that all those kids in Iraq are only there because they didn’t learn to read and The Man denied them any other options.  Inexcusable for someone of Mr. King’s caliber.

I am even more disappointed that he chose to react to the valid criticisms of his remarks by posting this on his website:

That a right-wing-blog would impugn my patriotism because I said children should learn to read, and could get better jobs by doing so, is beneath contempt. Noel Sheppard says, “Nice sentiment when the nation is at war, Stephen.” I guess he feels ignorance and illiteracy are OK when the country needs cannon-fodder. I guess he also feels that the war in Iraq has nationwide approval. Well, it doesn’t have mine. It is a waste of national resources. . . and that includes the youth and blood of the 4,000 American troops who have lost their lives there and for the tens of thousands who have been wounded. I live in a national guard town, and I support our troops, but I don’t support either the war or educational policies that limit the options of young men and women to any one career—military or otherwise. If you agree, find Sheppard on the internet, and send him an email:

“Hi, Noel—Stephen King says to shut up and I agree.”

Oh, that’s just great.  How dare you criticize me? Shut up!  Sorry, Steve.  You weren’t making a broad comment about the Iraq war: you insulted the troops you claim to support, even as they are fighting for our country.  Believe it or not, they are not sad sacks hopelessly toiling away as “cannon fodder” in Iraq.  You must not know many soldiers.  I do, and they’re badasses.  Gunslingers, may it do ya.

I would also ask Mr. King if he has the same condescending pity for the brave American soldiers who saved the world’s bacon in World War II.  Because if not, well then, there’s a little logic problem here.  Because the GED was actually created for World War II veterans whose lack of a high school diploma might’ve hindered them from getting jobs.  What does that tell us about the educational level of the Greatest Generation when  they stormed the beaches and kicked Hitler’s ass?  At the very least, it means that this nation’s defenders are above the pity usually reserved for the utterly weak and helpless.  

I will never stop reading Stephen King’s books, and I still lurv him: one opinion/statement does not a man or writer make.  But dude, I wish he would step back from the battle and realize that he was wrong to say what he said. 

Well, thank goodness this blog is tucked into a quiet little corner of the Internet.  If Stephen King told me to shut up or blasted me, I think I would curl into a ball and cry like a little bitch.  Probably while clutching “Wizard and Glass” or “Salem’s Lot” to my chest.  I admit it.  Mr. King has the power to crush my ornery heart.