I Can’t Make This Stuff Up.

Like many Americans who don’t have a great deal of trust in the mainstream media, I get my news from the Internet.  As I travel across that vast information highway [** CHEESY METAPHOR ALERT**], I am sometimes bogged down in crusty muck.  Other times, I find everything I seek immediately, as if I am coasting down a 16-lane freeway with no traffic.  Yet other times, I find myself in the Twilight Zone (e.g., that glorious evening when I discovered The TRUTH About Black Helicopters!).  And oh, sometimes the muck and weirdness is presented to me as “science,” like this article on how condomless sex is good for women because semen is nature’s Prozac.

Well, that’s a great thing to tell women: right up there with “abortion is empowering.”

The crazy fool behind this–a psych professor named Gordon Gallup–says that semen is an addictive drug, and calls condomless sex “semen injections.”  This sounds suspiciously like Atlanta TV commentator Alexyss Taylor’s theories about “penis power” makin’ womens into “come freaks” with “lonely vaginas.”  By the way, please watch the video if you haven’t: you must, MUST watch it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqg_ceFM30I

A classic quote from the Salon article: “One young single woman in New York, who prefers to remain anonymous, feels the same way. She is in therapy for depression and has been on a litany of antidepressants. ‘When I was in a steady relationship, I was pretty damn happy all the time,’ she says. ‘But I don’t know if that had anything to do with having semen in me.'”

So what these brilliant scientists have figured out is that sex without protection—in other words, sex as it was meant to occur in nature, for procreation–feels good.  Well no shit, Sherlock!  But maybe, just maybe, the (1) omission of the condom and (2) the resulting good emotions are the direct result of the woman being in a committed relationship where she trusts the man she’s risking pregnancy for?  Gallup says that doesn’t matter.  Right: it’s all about a tiny dose of hormones released from a teaspoon of semen into the woman’s bloodstream.  It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with, like, her heart or soul.  Only professional academics and scientists could come up with such cockamamie nonsense, I swear.  Another day, another step closer to officially labeling women Cum Dumpsters (sorry to be so crude, but that’s how this strikes me).

I can see how this theory might be embraced, however, by the Smoove B’s of the world.  I think a little role-playing exposes how utterly ridiculous all this is:

[cue freak-nasty music, maybe some R. Kelly]

Woman:  Oh, we need to stop.  Do you have anything [meaning, of course, a condom]?

Smoove B wannabe:  Aww, baby, we don’t need nothin like that.  Don’t you know that science done proved what I already knew: when I put my sting in you without no barriers it is good for you, baby.

Woman:  What do you mean, science?

SBW:  Scientists have proved my love for you is real, girl.  What you need to feel good is my semen injection.  I have nothing but the finest sperm in all the world, grown from the finest nutrients available in food products in the Western Hemisphere, and that sperm is like a Love Potion 69: like medicine for your heart and soul, girl.  Damn.

Woman [assuming she has an ounce of sense and self-respect]:  Give me a break, you jackass.

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~ by lewdandlascivious on May 30, 2007.

4 Responses to “I Can’t Make This Stuff Up.”

  1. First of all, any guy so obsessed with his anatomy to test the theory that it has psychotropic effects is clearly compensating.

    Second, you’re right: the fact that a woman would risk both pregnancy AND STDs for a guy – i.e. monogamous, trusting relationships – has nothing to do with her mood. If I were married to a guy and worried that he was cheating, you can bet that I would not be a happy elephant. Wow… women in crummy relationships aren’t any happier than single women. Go figure.

    Third, the term you’re looking for is “penis receptacle.” Because the only thing that millions of years of evolution has brought us is animal desire. (eye roll) Alternatively, as Rob Bell said, humans are halfway betweeen angels and animals: we cut ourselves off spiritually when we act like animals but cut ourselves in half physically if we try to pretend that we are angels.

    Fourth, I love your dialogue. 🙂

  2. I survived to the ripe old age of twenty-five without a “semen injection” and I was perfectly happy. Don’t get me wrong, I regularly enjoy them now (is that TMI?), but as you both said, it is within the context of my marriage.
    I would love to see him interview these women in three to five years and see how they measure up then. Promiscuity does not make happy people in the long term.

  3. Oohhh…. I have statistics!

    IWF put out a paper that compiles a lot of the data about early intercourse, hook-ups, and pretty much every non-traditional experience.
    http://www.iwf.org/pdf/sex_ms_ed1.pdf

    “The Kaiser Family Foundation/-
    Seventeen Magazine survey found that more than six in ten girls who
    had sex wished they had waited. Nearly four in ten of the sexually active
    girls specifically wished they had waited until they were older.23”

    and, best of all:
    “…John
    Townsend, who conducted in-depth interviews with 40 medical students
    and 50 undergraduates, selected because they were “unusually open to
    casual sex.” Townsend found that, over time, these women tended to
    reject casual sex after experiencing three stages. In the first stage, women
    viewed casual sex as an opportunity to test their attractiveness and did
    not feel emotionally scarred by the experience. In the second stage, the
    women had trouble rectifying competing emotions: “they say that sex
    without emotion is okay, but they worry about the guy’s intentions after
    intercourse because previous sexual encounters have not evolved into the
    desired relationships.” In the final stage, women rejected casual sex in
    hopes of finding a relationship that would provide more emotional support
    and commitment from their partners.28”

  4. This article just confirms my suspicion that shrinks are usually the ones who need to be on the couch.

    Awesome excerpts, Theo!

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